slow me down

I have to got to slow down. I have to got to stand still and treat this year as if it's my first year alive in the adult world. I need to regroup and refocus. And I keep saying that but for my sake I really, really need to mean it this time. Not just mean, but DO. I need to slow down, even come to a complete halt.

What do I really want.

face value

I am an ugly person on the inside. And I don't care what people say, my outsides match. I think my core rots away a little more every day but I do well in hiding it with life distractions. I have a job and I pay all my bills so surely I must be an upstanding member of society. Wrong. I hate working, it takes everything in me not to pick up and run some days. I want to lay at home and do nothing but exist but even then I know I wouldn't want to do that for very long either. I guess I just want to be the nothing I am.

I love food because it gives me some kind of emotional connection to life. It's a never-fail in the realm of feelings when everything and everyone else changes. Food stays the same, it's loyal, it will always have flavor. The same with shopping. I buy so many things because it's a high and I can actually feel that high and it gives me things that actually excite me. For four days. And I'm on to the next posession goal. I love smoking because I don't have to think about it and inside no, I don't mind if it takes years off my life because I want to die anyway. Love is another drug for me, love and attention because it feeds my ego and gives me an excuse to ignore myself for a few days. I love the thought of love, I fall in love with love every time it pops up, but it's a foreign language to me. How long will I fake it this time. And other than that, this is not the life I wanted.

I look at my life and I can't find the happiness in the smallest corner. I don't want to live here, I don't want to look like this, I don't want this job, this wardrobe, this car, this non-belief in anything. I don't want to be me. I don't want me. I want a very large eraser.

I can't explain in words the depth of apathy I've hit. A new low. One that hasn't been touched by anything, not even my first love of food. I don't know what to do anymore. No one can fix me. But who am I to anyone? I'm wasted space. My face value is nothing because behind every little trick and flashy show I put on, I'm empty. I echo.

Don't try to stop me, I'll fucking run.

2009 addendum 1

I'm not sure how to approach you, yet. You're still a wild and untamed creature as far as I'm concerned and so far I trust you, but it's only been a few days so you could turn around and snap REAL quick. I need to get over a lot of things this year and finally start living. My first resolution was to find love by throwing all my preconceived notions about relationships out the window. Bad patterns, bad habits, bad boys. And I had a boyfriend within a matter of days (so don't tell me The Secret doesn't work!). But let's look closer at that for a minute.

I have a boyfriend.
Who I genuinely like.
Who says all the right things.
Who is positive we were meant to be.
Who makes me want to be a better person.
Who talks about life in the sense of us instead of self.
Who I barely know.

I'm not complaining, I'm not changing my mind, I'm not doing anything but going with it. And if it turns out to be complete horseshit, at least I let go of "my type" and took a chance.

2009

I'm still in shock at how quickly life answers the seemingly smallest of questions. I am smiling. I've been smiling since the clock struck midnight.