how.

How am I supposed to do it. How am I supposed to do the little things in life. Like breathe in and out as I lie on my bed staring at the white ceiling fan go round and round. Or even smile when someone says something nice to me without forcing it. Or believe I'm worth loving. How are these things supposed to work, supposed to feel, supposed to grow, supposed to break and bend and... how am I supposed to know how to do it all. Like live. Why do I have such a hard time with the simple things in life? How am I supposed to survive or even want to, for that matter.

instinct

don't date boys who instinctively make you think "player"
don't lose boys who instinctively make you feel "beyond"
don't trust anything but your instincts.

"how will you know if you found me at last? ...i'll be the one with my heart in my lap..."
neko case

Miniature Funerals

( steps up to the podium )

On this beautiful Monday afternoon I've gathered my thoughts here for a memorial service of sorts. There is a certain change in life that I can feel coming, a transition that's very much like a step up the ladder, and I hadn't realized it but I've been standing still in a lot of ways. Yes, I have plenty of things in motion around me, but I haven't been consciously really grasping or following the paths I've set up for myself. I realized I've only been looking at them as an outsider and up til now I've been adept at convincing myself I'm going with their flow. But when I finished my emotional inventory last night, I realized the truth is that it's time to let go of a lot of things. Some of them people, some situations, most patterns. All of which I need to be done with. So it's time to bury them and genuinely move forward.

So here are the miniature funerals to close out the end of this year and start fresh in the new one.

Deep breath in, deep breath out, step one.

I'm burying the anger and resentment I feel towards relationships that have hurt me deeply, like cuts from a very dull blade. With the burial comes solid and final goodbyes to certain people and hopes I was holding onto. I wonder how many hours I could log for the wasted energy of them all. It would probably make me sick to see it on paper. So goodbye to all of you and I won't thank you, but I will thank myself for the lessons I learned and my ability to move forward now with that knowledge in my pocket.

I'm also burying how I've viewed relationships and their progression. It's not a game, it's not a popularity contest, it's not something that should be forced or plotted, and least of all it shouldn't be in my life if I don't fully and whole-heartedly want it. No more saying yes to other's wishes when inside I feel nothing. The Empty Ego Olympics, let's call them. I must put myself first. I will put myself first. I must change how I approach the outside by rearranging the inside. I will change that. Since that encompasses so many little things that only I can really know, I'll just say that I have to wipe that slate clean.

Last but not least, I'm burying the ambition I've been pining over since I was sixteen years old. I am not moving to California. I will not be moving to California. I needed to say that twice just to make it final. Someday I may find myself again for family or career reasons. But as of right now I'm accepting that this dream is dead, that it needs to be killed. It doesn't help me progress, if anything it hurts me or has me chasing ghosts. So Arizona, I accept you for what you are. You are home.

Fin

Goodbyes

I said three good-byes tonight. Two have hurt me in very deep, very personal ways the last two months and one was a friend of sorts. But the cut was necessary for all of the above.

I'll just keep going, I guess.

breaking the broken record

Is it even possible? How many times have I gone through this now, a dozen? More? And really, do I even care to try any more when I know how it turns out every time? Do I want to have to bandage myself up again?

Enough fucking question marks for you?

Frustration, anger, anxiety, all part of my disorders of varying shapes and sizes. I'm tired. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm tired. I've got my life shit figured out so why do all the other things look solid and shiny and happy until I actually go to touch them and they dissolve into what they really were in the first place: a bunch of nothingness.

I'm angry at a lot of people. I don't like being angry. I don't like giving them that kind of power over me but this is a moment of weakness that will pass when I remember just how unbreakable I really am. As of right now I want this pattern, this trust trigger that never fails to blow me away when I pull it, to cease to exist.

And that means The Wall goes back up. The one that keeps me at a safe distance from this bullshit, this mess that circles the drain for days until I come back to life. In short, I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm better than any of this.

Here we go again.

Hello, school. I didn't miss you. But. I am enjoying you this time around (so far). I had my first class tonight and it went smoothly and I didn't get bored. Oh the shock. Sure I missed some of my favorite TV shows of the week, but that's what watching TV online is for.

Besides getting back into the educational grind, this week has been... not great. I don't want to go into it, I've talked and written it out so much my hands and eyes are tired of the rinse and repeat of it all. Besides, tomorrow's Friday and that's what's getting me through the rest of tonight. That and a good book and a few cigarettes on the patio.