this is getting old

being crazy can go fuck itself. getting really tired of the split second decision my brain makes to make me feel like shit.

A good one.

As in this is a post that's coming from the me who's actually looking up with a smile instead of laying down and covering my head in defeat and despair.

I went to the doctor Monday and got some real answers about my inner workings. It was a relief and I'll be ok. More than ok I'll be good, balanced, steady. At least I will if my fucking insurance decides to give a girl a hand with getting her life back on track. But I've been really up and happy this week so I'm not stressing too much about waiting for the override on the Rx.

The best part about life since... I'd say last Sunday, is that I've gone into full-on productive mode. I'm all about the self improvement and keeping things positive. I know, me? The one who basically cuts her wrists on this on-line blab for all? Yes me, the sometimes borderline emowoman. I'm happy. And it's all my fault.

Done: new desk, redid my entire room arrangement, went to the doctor, took Baron to the vet, planned my first tattoo, put money into savings. BAM.

To Be Done: new car shopping tonight and much more to come.

Miischa

In memory of my little sassy Siamese catwoman:

Miischa Dyan
2001 - 2008

I loved you, mama-meesh.
Always will.

what happened to my heartbeat?

Totally crashing from the entire Starbucks doubleshot I downed around 9 this am. Something to remember - I don't do well with those energy drinks for a lot of reasons but the biggest is they make me feel like my face is puffy and my eyes bug out when I'm talking to people. Oh and the worst part is it makes me eat more than I want or need to, something I discovered at lunch. But I'm not going to freak out about it. Just going to chug my water for the rest of the afternoon and pick up some Advil with caffeine tablets tonight. I don't want to drink the crystal light, don't want to drink coffee, don't want to drink anything but my water. And I'm supposed to stay away from caffeine anyway (see: previously known medical advice I should've followed but didn't because I wanted a pick-me-up) because apparently my brain doesn't do well with the mixed signal of "calm down" from the medicine and the "get up" from the drink.

At this point it's been about 2 weeks since I stared taking it. I feel... wait scratch that. I don't. I mean I feel like a leveled calm woman who just takes in all the surrounding drama of life and shrugs it off. But I don't know if I like it. Some days yeah I do because I don't feel that anxious stress or hunt for someone to be obsessed with me. The last few days I don't like it though because I don't want to do anything. Nothing. I don't even want to be sitting at work and typing this right now. I just want to go home and sleep. I think? See I'm not even sure. Nothing sounds appealing, not even eating. Where's my motivation, my drive, my hyperintense determination to do something big and grand? Sure those were all part of the hypomania but guess what, that felt like something instead of (blank). Yes I need to go in and talk to someone, yes I need to start working out again, yes I need to walk Baron, yes I need to do this and that and this that this that...

I just don't care. I've stretched myself in so many ways the last few weeks I can't figure out my own life plan anymore. Will I ever get my own life? How do I do that? I don't even know where to start anymore.

Whine whine whine. Don't even care enough to finish this eloquently.

"Lea"

Dear Santa,
For Christmas this year I would like a vacation from emotion. And I'm still waiting on that pony.

It's frustrating. Just when I'm starting to look on the positive side of life and really make some happy progress, everyone and everything goes into negative focus. I just... I'm surrounded by negative. Work, home, the economy, the past, the present. But I don't want that anymore. I have the tools to move on so how do I explain to people? How do you convey just how different you are without doing a visual presentation with Power Point? The name change was a choice to illustrate how I want others to see me. I'm not Laura anymore, I'm Lea. I'm a 25 year old vegetarian who enjoys a few Camel Lights on the back patio with her dog who is the only male she needs or wants. I don't do what she did, don't think or talk or look the way she did, and I don't feel the way she did either. Don't consider me or treat me that way. So I thought the easiest way to do that would be to change my name because "what's in a name?". A lot. Everything of who I am and want to be and very little of who I was. Take this for what it's worth which is a short introduction to me.

Don't drink the water. Don't smoke the Marlboros.

This weekend. Ah, this weekend. Let's see here, what did we learn. Well we learned that Mom and Sam will be moving out on December first into their own 2 bedroom apartment. It's not too far away so that's... nice? Neat? God, I've been really bad at the "right word" lately. Just haven't felt like slathering a pretty layer of poetic polish on top of what I say. Bare bones is better and feels more natural. So an official move date. It's not terrible, or unexpected, just a fresh phase of the newest reality. Of course it makes me a little sad, this is the only life I've ever known: one roof over one family. And even though the divorce will happen and holidays will be different and the house will be going through just as many physical changes as we all are emotional, mental, spiritual, what have you, love and the true thread of family isn't going anywhere. So that's what makes the temporary moments of sadness go away. I'll always have a dad and a mom and their love. Home will be where the heart is no matter how many state lines or time splits it goes through in the future. A timeshare daughter. And not in a bad way. I'll forever share my heart with those who deserve and need me. Please excuse that Kodak word moment.

While my family is kind of branching off in its own right, other family trees I've been tied to in one way or another in the past are expanding. Two important M's in my life are both going to be fathers. Not sad or disappointing. Just different. Again, not sure what words to use here but it's not something that's going to trip me up in my future. I loved one of the M's and I could've loved the other in time. They both became great friends and staples in my life. But after hearing about or talking to them this weekend their fates have kind of been sealed for the next (at least) 18 years. M1 and I probably won't talk again for a long time and that's ok. It does feel kind of final, like I've waved goodbye to that lingering "maybe" option. And it's for the best because if it didn't work out these last two years then it wouldn't have and I know that now. Then there's M2, the most recent ex. We've have been talking a bit since Saturday and it's nice. The man(child) was my best friend for a long time, after all. And when I was sane I loved him. But again, life has a path for him and I'm not really trying to be included in it. Friends could work. But time will tell and the past is the past so maybe that's where they're both meant to be while I keep going.

Like I've been telling myself, this is the end of the first quarter century chapter for me. And I'm free. I am and Dad (once again) helped me realize how to look at the upside of my life. I'm single with no children and I'm continually trying to improve myself. I have room to breathe. I really can do anything. But I'm learning what I want that word to encompass and that's actually proven to be an exciting part of the whole journey of self. Not self-discovery, more like self-building. What's out there? What's going to happen? I don't know. How long will it take? No one knows but that's why you keep walking.

So the past is slowly falling away like the ashes on the patio. I'm going to close said chapter with a tattoo this Saturday. A visual reminder of who I was and who I'm in the middle of becoming. I'm a dying breed, aren't I? I like that.

ugh.

flu shots at work health expos are not supposed to make you feel sick for two days. splitting headache, chills, fever, ache. waste of $15.

conversions

chopped 6 inches off my hair last night (happy), did a serious vegetarian pantry conversion shopping run with dad (who is also switching to save his life), got a flu shot at work yesterday (i've been paying for it with how shitty i feel), decided i'm not going to revisit moving until next year. short little anti-climactic blurb at the end there but that's because it's not a big deal. the point of this blog was initially to track my time between "now" and "then" when i do actually move. but in the last five days life has changed (of course) and i'm in a better place than i've been in a long time and i know what i need to do now. my health needs to come before anything else. and this way i get to save more, be with my family for the holidays, travel more, help fix up the house, maybe get my own apartment if i stay here that long, get my tattoos, figure out a career path i actually like and fix my teeth. how is that a loss?

the title of the blog still applies for a lot of reasons. my heart has been through a dozen miniature earthquakes over the last two years and i do need to grow up. now instead of running from everything i'm stopping and turning around.

(gag) cold coffee surprise

for self future reference, even if you get really wrapped up in a project at work and an hour flies by, your coffee isn't spared the effects of time. took a quick swig and wondered if that's what dirt tastes like. cold sweet n' low liquid dirt.

i wonder what the tried and true ingredients of a good, happy life are. the basics seem to be family and love and health (not money, never money). and i wonder what kind of timeline and dreams other people foresee in their own lives and how big or small or simple or complex they are. the little things have never been enough to keep my attention or keep me happy longer than a few weeks or months. so what's the thing that i've always felt was missing, like i have a lot of the pieces and i know what i want the puzzle to look like, but most of the pieces are blank or blurry. it's confusing. not in a bad way, i just want to know what my invisible blueprint in the great universal library says.

calvin & hobbies

ok, enough whining. i'm going to do what i can to find balance for my mind, now i need to find a balance for the other parts of me. new hobbies, i need some of those.

i was happiest when i was vegetarian (in a lot of ways) so i'm going back to that lifestyle. along with that choice comes a lot of good i didn't take full advantage of before. so old kitchen hobby - eating, snacking, browsing, bad. new kitchen hobby - cooking, baking, serving, good. source will be this.

i like, not love, working out in the morning. gives me energy and makes me feel less lazy, which makes me feel bad about myself and justify the over-snacking. best of all it gets it out of the way so i don't skip it at night after a long day. walking baron in the mornings is great so i'm going to make that a new hobby instead of maintenance. then use free weights at least every other morning.

that's good for now. i can handle two.

combinations

good day? yeah, short-lived.

(disclaimer: if you see your name here, it has nothing to do with you, only with how my mind works)

being around my mom makes me feel like i'm too fat
being around my dad makes me feel like i have permission to overeat
being around leslie makes me feel like i'll never be small enough
being around steven... well i guess because we're so similar i feel ok around him
being around sam makes me laugh
being around jayden is good
being around koren makes me feel like i'm teetering one step away from the old pattern of quiet fat girl
being around boys i'm attracted to makes me feel obese and flabby and snaggle toothed
being around girls who are prettier and thinner makes me want to starve my self

the following don't apply when i'm ok with my self. on great days i feel like i'm worth worshipping and i don't give these another thought. but i have issues. they're deep, they're memorized, compulsive. no one has any idea how close these thought patterns come to suffocating me on the really bad days. this is why i want to go away. this is why i need a clean slate. get outside the old environments and make my own with new, clean, healthy habits. like rehab. i'm sick of not being stronger than projected opinions and uncontrollable impulses.

perfect storms

i feel better. the last four, five days have been very black and white, mostly black. last night i had a good talk with dad and felt like i was coming back to attention and calm, so i can write about this like a person who believes in sanity now.

i've decided it's just in my nature to wake up a different person every other week. it's how i'm wired, programmed, built. consistently inconsistent. sometimes it's subtle, like maybe an extra point in confidence or a different way of viewing a subject. other times it's a crushing blow to the comfort zone rope i try to tie around my ego. it depends on nothing and everything and the timing is completely random. but it's a fact i'm going to have to live with. i'm sensitive to everything, inside and out. sure i can be tough, be a bitch, be a duchess, be a rebel, be a lady, be whoever i woke up as that day. with pain or nerves i can shrug them completely off if i'm feeling strong enough. and i can conquer the world and anything i put my mind to when my heart is full of the shiny white stuff, a power surge of my boldest and most ambitious traits. but i have cracks in the foundation of certain close-to-home issues and frayed seems when it comes to my ego and heart. insults and major letdowns and hyperstress can knock me out for days at a time. so when the black hits i've learned i need to bow out from society so i don't say or do anything i'll regret. that space keeps my relations in tact (for the most part) and i'm getting in the habit of weaning myself off a dependence on others for fixing because time is the only thing that subsides the build-up of black.

really i'm just one big constantly moving work in progress because my engine runs on feelings. some days i appreciate that and some i hate it. with that being said and committed to memory as truth, here's my newest theory to test out: i'm going to fully accept that i'm a melting pot of mood changes and it isn't a bad thing. it's not wrong, it's not something i can control, but it is something i can learn and grow from. and hey, the upside is that it means i can develop faster as a person than those who change once every few months. like a personality warp drive to get me closer to who i'm supposed to be. at least today i'll see it that way.

B - L - D

you know what i hate? like literally hate so much i think it sabotages me when i don't catch it. i hate that i base the amount of love i think i deserve on how much i weigh or what size jean i wear. if i feel fat, there's no way a guy is going to want me and in that mind frame i don't blame him. i hate that i'm always holding off on my goals and dreams and even going to see friends because i'm not a certain size or i ate too much the day before. who does that? who else is that fucked up? that's not even realisitc, what projection of me am i thinking will have a perfect life? will somehow be able to handle the shit storms better? hitting 119 was one of the unhappiest times in my life, i never seem to remember that, only that i liked the way my hip bones popped out and my ribs showed. god that's gross. how did i get this way? how did i let myself get so far into the empty spiral of caring that much about how i look? i hate it. but i work on it every day. i fall a lot, every other day is more accurate. but i guess i just keep going. it will never be easy or over, will it. i just need new tools, right? might as well add one more drastic change to the pile, i'm pretty open to them right now.

a new eating and thinking and exercise process (not program, fuck that word i'm not a robot). i need a fresh mind, fresh perspective. obviously the old one isn't working and it's boring to me so that's why i don't stick with it. i was happy and healthy being a vegetarian knowing the do's and don'ts of my daily intake, so that's a start. i love weight lifting, hate running, and walking baron two times a day is enough of the "moving" crap to consider it cardio. i'm not a runner and i don't want to be. i'm not a gymnast or a swimmer or an athletic person by nature and i'm not going to pretend i want to be that any more either because i don't. thin and toned and to be able to fit my favorite jeans is all i want. basic simple goal. no contests or competitions. i just want to wake up and feel good, not perfect but good, confident. and consistently. i don't want to look away from the mirror when i take a shower in the morning or look at every picture of my self and analyze how much bigger i look compared to everyone else. oh and not being paralyzed by fear at the thought of a guy actually wanting to have sex with me and then being 100% convinced seeing my body would be a deal breaker would be nice to not have to worry about either. ok, this is the game plan now that i've type-talked myself out of the cycle enough to see it in big picture mode.

"2 months isn't the rest of your life, but it is enough to change the rest of your life" - i heard that on the biggest loser last night and it hit my psyche, hard. why why why do i always forget that i used to be 210 pounds? i can do this i just need to stop shoving food in my mouth out of boredom and to feel better because it doesn't work. what's the definition of insanity, laura? exactly.

drop the habit, shoot as many bullets in it as you can, leave it to die a slow and tragic death and run for your life in the other direction.

i need to stop micromanaging food and working my brain into a frenzy, it feels too confined. i can't handle too many food options or a rigid meal plan, my mind just overanalyzes it and starts scarfing extra food because of some rebellion trigger, i'm serious. deleting the carefully planned out daily eating tab on the excel spreadsheet is a priority tonight. and i'm going to try something i've never tried before and go back to the ancient philosophy of breakfast lunch dinner. wow that's such a foreign concept to me it's actually borderline amusing. so when it comes to B L D maybe i'll eat what i want when i'm hungry so i don't have "food envy" after a full meal and cave in to the original craving i tried to smother with something else. and i'll work out 5 days a week. not giving myself a specific routine or time, just 5. the magic number. done. simple. it'll take time, like learning a new language, but lucky for me time is the only thing that's predictable in life anymore so i can work with it.

good, done. ah, better too.

would you like sugar with your coffee and morning breakdown?

look, anyone who's planning on reading this should know life isn't great right now so my writing is going to reflect that. lots of whining and self loathing and wondering why because that's how my mind is running these days. i have no idea why everything's taken such a nose dive. i wake up most days mentally tired. sleep isn't consistent, my personality isn't consistent. i remind myself to at least go to work because money is the language everyone gets. the truth that i know on the good days is that there are up and down hours ahead and i have to work through them. on bad days like today i just have to hope i don't start crying for no reason as i copy and paste more formulas in excel. fine, i probably have depression, or not having my period for almost two months has something to do with it, but i don't want help. i want this to be me so i earn my sanity back even if it is minute by minute.

i fantasize about leaving in the middle of the night and not talking to anyone i know for a year. i just really have no idea who i am on my own and i want to be in a place where i don't feel like a build-up of static clung ideas and habits i've picked up from everyone around me. i know i have to get away. it's just something inside me keeps concrete no matter what tricks my brain slips into.

done for now i have things to do.

intro addendum

my excel spreadsheet - front and center shortcut on my desktop it's a daily agenda for my self and my finances and it's open every time i'm on the computer

my dog - i love Baron, we're still getting to know each other, i let my selfishness and doubt scare me into thinking i'm not going to be a good enough dog owner sometimes

my cell - hate my blackberry but it works so no need to waste money on something new and shiny

$2,000 - i can aim for this run-away-pocket-amount all i want, when the word "layoff" is swirling around the office (and the world) i'll be doing a lot of finger crossing 

a place to stay - roommates.com is like the Sizzler

a work connection - we'll see when we get there

a size 28 jean - honestly kind of don't care about this right now but it's a conditional goal

blonde highlights - i changed my mind, that's $75 bucks i don't need to spend

59 days - SD target

here's your introduction

survival kit - my excel spreadsheet, my dog, my cell, $2,000, a place to stay, a work connection, a size 28 jean, blonde highlights

as of: 59 days