Miniature Funerals

( steps up to the podium )

On this beautiful Monday afternoon I've gathered my thoughts here for a memorial service of sorts. There is a certain change in life that I can feel coming, a transition that's very much like a step up the ladder, and I hadn't realized it but I've been standing still in a lot of ways. Yes, I have plenty of things in motion around me, but I haven't been consciously really grasping or following the paths I've set up for myself. I realized I've only been looking at them as an outsider and up til now I've been adept at convincing myself I'm going with their flow. But when I finished my emotional inventory last night, I realized the truth is that it's time to let go of a lot of things. Some of them people, some situations, most patterns. All of which I need to be done with. So it's time to bury them and genuinely move forward.

So here are the miniature funerals to close out the end of this year and start fresh in the new one.

Deep breath in, deep breath out, step one.

I'm burying the anger and resentment I feel towards relationships that have hurt me deeply, like cuts from a very dull blade. With the burial comes solid and final goodbyes to certain people and hopes I was holding onto. I wonder how many hours I could log for the wasted energy of them all. It would probably make me sick to see it on paper. So goodbye to all of you and I won't thank you, but I will thank myself for the lessons I learned and my ability to move forward now with that knowledge in my pocket.

I'm also burying how I've viewed relationships and their progression. It's not a game, it's not a popularity contest, it's not something that should be forced or plotted, and least of all it shouldn't be in my life if I don't fully and whole-heartedly want it. No more saying yes to other's wishes when inside I feel nothing. The Empty Ego Olympics, let's call them. I must put myself first. I will put myself first. I must change how I approach the outside by rearranging the inside. I will change that. Since that encompasses so many little things that only I can really know, I'll just say that I have to wipe that slate clean.

Last but not least, I'm burying the ambition I've been pining over since I was sixteen years old. I am not moving to California. I will not be moving to California. I needed to say that twice just to make it final. Someday I may find myself again for family or career reasons. But as of right now I'm accepting that this dream is dead, that it needs to be killed. It doesn't help me progress, if anything it hurts me or has me chasing ghosts. So Arizona, I accept you for what you are. You are home.

Fin