Nails in my coffin.

I just bit my nails off for the first time in at least four months. Only one looks demolished, the others are just short enough that if I file them they'll look "normal" and "neat". What the fuck is going on with me today. Is it the cold medicine? I feel like my skin is too tight and my mind is too loose and they're not meeting in the middle. This is how out of it I am - I lit a cigarette backwards and inhaled before I noticed. Yeah. That bad, people. I mean I was late this morning and there was no reason for it. I spaced my badge, wallet, getting gas, letting Baron out, everything that's such a huge and easy part of my usual routine. I just feel like clenching my teeth and stretching and running and sleeping all at the same time. How uncomfortable and dangerous would that be? Is it because I stopped working out in the mornings? I have no idea anymore, all I know is I don't want to be here and yet why would I feel different anywhere else? I'd still feel bored and restless at home, at the beach, anywhere. Just sitting at work having nothing to do for this time window makes me want to get up and do sprints down the hall, regardless of the President's office having glass walls so he could see me. I'd probably wave or salute him with the mood I'm in. So because I am just that bored I'm going to go get some Sun Chips out of the vending machine even though A, I don't need them and B, I'm not even that hungry. No wait I am a little bit. Ok good, I recognize something about myself. DONE DONE DONE.

The happiest place on earth...

I've been having California/Disneyland withdrawals all week. It feels like we were there months ago, now. I don't like that. I really don't remember a happier time this past year than being there with the family that's been there for me so closely the last couple months. So to remedy the letdown we've all been feeling we're going to try to make it a 3 month ritual.

I painted my room an olive green tonight. It's not completely done (still have the damn corners to tend to) but it looks great. I'm migrating away from the black/mauve/white color scheme I've toyed with for the last few years and upgrading to green/cream/brown. I'm not sure why but I'm done with that color set and I feel like the earth tones reflect the more "adult" mood I've been falling in to.

Adult mode decision of the week - getting back into school. I start December 4th and I'm actually excited (what the hell?!). I'm just hungry to tease and grow my brain again after a 5 year absence from the homework scene. I've had enough slacker freedom for a while so it's time to start pursuing the Business/Criminal Behavior degree.

Other than that, I'm alive. No more dating for a long time, my heart is kind of taken with myself and another conscious right now so it'd be an anxiety inducing waste of time. Baron needs daily walks, I need daily exercise, and life in general needs to keep co-operating with me. I like it.

But I still miss the happiest place on earth and the state it calls home...

learning french

Well. I think I may have made a mistake 2 years ago. But no I know I didn't. For whatever reason I chose A over B (or M over A) I did it and my life path changed forever and for good because of it. Last night I learned what exactly I'd put in the "pass" category back then. Two years of accidental patience and unexpected knowledge in one kiss. One kiss with a true friend and true heart that's always mirrored the same curiosity and loyalty I have. Mind lightning. And how do I know? I know. And how do I know I'll ever get an encore of the rush and the humbling emotions? I don't know. But I am alarmingly content with the unknown because it's like my lips told my heart I never want to kiss anyone else. Yet if I don't get to kiss that specific pair again, I'll have had that one time of...being totally aware. Not kissing because "they" started it like so many "maybe" dates with cute strangers in the past, but because I just couldn't help myself. I really wanted to keep that contact going and the feeling was mutual until almost 3 in the morning. Amazing. We'll see (which is very much my anthem these days).

So me and my mp3 player are trying to work it out at the Castle Inn hotel outside of Disneyland. It's late, I took a sleeping pill to be rested for tomorrow, and "Road to Somewhere" is convincing me I can handle the changes we're going home to tomorrow. I'm excited, sad, full, empty, content. It was an amazing weekend.

"I Release You"

by The Deadly Syndrome. It made me cry a little this morning at work because it made me think of him. That's the song I quoted at the end of my stupidly long good-bye to him months and months ago. Maybe it's because it's coming up on two years and I can't believe how life has changed since then and he's not in it. I won't lie, I don't like it. But I'm still me, still happy being alone, and life has gone on without that particular extra.
And all of this isn't something I need to really think about any more after these few sentences.
There has to be a replica somewhere. I'm still searching for it.

Hello November.

Quick slice of an earlier e-mail to Leslie that summarizes how I've been feeling:
I'm feeling great, pretty, confident, strong, like I almost know myself completely. Yes I love being a vegetarian who isn't obsessed with working out (weigh 138 as opposed to 153 at the doctor two weeks ago), who doesn't need or want to be a runner, who likes smoking and chopping her hair short and dying it odd colors and getting spontaneous but well planned tattoos that symbolize me. So yeah in short I'm great.
A little more detail:
I'm happy for my family despite the divorce. Sam and Mom are moving this Friday and Dad and Steven and Stephanie (Steven's girl friend not girlfriend) and I are going to Disneyland for the weekend. It'll be cheap and quick, like a date with a girl from Queen Creek, but I'm looking forward to memories we'll bring back with us. We'll be coming back to a new life and an empty house that needs a reboot, just like all of us.
My mom is growing as a person and trying to look and think outside of the box she's been in all these years. She thought my wrist tattoo devoted to the family was touching and said she thought it was really special. She even stopped to watch Steven do the one on my hip last night and she smoothed my forehead in a motherly way. I'd forgotten about the little things that make up being a mother.
My dad is also growing as a person into someone who's more confident in himself. He's still got a long way to go and there are times when I know I could be there for him more. But I'm proud of him, he's trying despite the heavy heart I know he carries around in his pocket.
I'm proud to have Leslie love me as much as she does. I don't know what I'd do without her.
Steven has always been one of my closest friends, but not he's one of my best. How lucky am I that I can say that about so many of my family members? That's surprisingly rare.
Sam is doing all right. At least that's how he acts. I don't know what goes on in his head.
And Koren. What would I do without her? Even though I'm without her? Her texts have been known to boost my day like a straight I.V. of Mountain Dew (diet, mind you).
I love myself. I love my car. I love my dog. I love my hair. I love that I'm balanced and don't care that it comes from something outside myself. I love my job. I love my friends. I love being able to spoil myself with a new phone, new body, new tattoos, new boys, just "the new". It takes me outside myself, grows me more as a person on the inside as I work on developing and restructuring the outside to fit how I feel. 3 tattoos is enough, for now. But I'm saving the best for last.