perfect storms

i feel better. the last four, five days have been very black and white, mostly black. last night i had a good talk with dad and felt like i was coming back to attention and calm, so i can write about this like a person who believes in sanity now.

i've decided it's just in my nature to wake up a different person every other week. it's how i'm wired, programmed, built. consistently inconsistent. sometimes it's subtle, like maybe an extra point in confidence or a different way of viewing a subject. other times it's a crushing blow to the comfort zone rope i try to tie around my ego. it depends on nothing and everything and the timing is completely random. but it's a fact i'm going to have to live with. i'm sensitive to everything, inside and out. sure i can be tough, be a bitch, be a duchess, be a rebel, be a lady, be whoever i woke up as that day. with pain or nerves i can shrug them completely off if i'm feeling strong enough. and i can conquer the world and anything i put my mind to when my heart is full of the shiny white stuff, a power surge of my boldest and most ambitious traits. but i have cracks in the foundation of certain close-to-home issues and frayed seems when it comes to my ego and heart. insults and major letdowns and hyperstress can knock me out for days at a time. so when the black hits i've learned i need to bow out from society so i don't say or do anything i'll regret. that space keeps my relations in tact (for the most part) and i'm getting in the habit of weaning myself off a dependence on others for fixing because time is the only thing that subsides the build-up of black.

really i'm just one big constantly moving work in progress because my engine runs on feelings. some days i appreciate that and some i hate it. with that being said and committed to memory as truth, here's my newest theory to test out: i'm going to fully accept that i'm a melting pot of mood changes and it isn't a bad thing. it's not wrong, it's not something i can control, but it is something i can learn and grow from. and hey, the upside is that it means i can develop faster as a person than those who change once every few months. like a personality warp drive to get me closer to who i'm supposed to be. at least today i'll see it that way.