B - L - D

you know what i hate? like literally hate so much i think it sabotages me when i don't catch it. i hate that i base the amount of love i think i deserve on how much i weigh or what size jean i wear. if i feel fat, there's no way a guy is going to want me and in that mind frame i don't blame him. i hate that i'm always holding off on my goals and dreams and even going to see friends because i'm not a certain size or i ate too much the day before. who does that? who else is that fucked up? that's not even realisitc, what projection of me am i thinking will have a perfect life? will somehow be able to handle the shit storms better? hitting 119 was one of the unhappiest times in my life, i never seem to remember that, only that i liked the way my hip bones popped out and my ribs showed. god that's gross. how did i get this way? how did i let myself get so far into the empty spiral of caring that much about how i look? i hate it. but i work on it every day. i fall a lot, every other day is more accurate. but i guess i just keep going. it will never be easy or over, will it. i just need new tools, right? might as well add one more drastic change to the pile, i'm pretty open to them right now.

a new eating and thinking and exercise process (not program, fuck that word i'm not a robot). i need a fresh mind, fresh perspective. obviously the old one isn't working and it's boring to me so that's why i don't stick with it. i was happy and healthy being a vegetarian knowing the do's and don'ts of my daily intake, so that's a start. i love weight lifting, hate running, and walking baron two times a day is enough of the "moving" crap to consider it cardio. i'm not a runner and i don't want to be. i'm not a gymnast or a swimmer or an athletic person by nature and i'm not going to pretend i want to be that any more either because i don't. thin and toned and to be able to fit my favorite jeans is all i want. basic simple goal. no contests or competitions. i just want to wake up and feel good, not perfect but good, confident. and consistently. i don't want to look away from the mirror when i take a shower in the morning or look at every picture of my self and analyze how much bigger i look compared to everyone else. oh and not being paralyzed by fear at the thought of a guy actually wanting to have sex with me and then being 100% convinced seeing my body would be a deal breaker would be nice to not have to worry about either. ok, this is the game plan now that i've type-talked myself out of the cycle enough to see it in big picture mode.

"2 months isn't the rest of your life, but it is enough to change the rest of your life" - i heard that on the biggest loser last night and it hit my psyche, hard. why why why do i always forget that i used to be 210 pounds? i can do this i just need to stop shoving food in my mouth out of boredom and to feel better because it doesn't work. what's the definition of insanity, laura? exactly.

drop the habit, shoot as many bullets in it as you can, leave it to die a slow and tragic death and run for your life in the other direction.

i need to stop micromanaging food and working my brain into a frenzy, it feels too confined. i can't handle too many food options or a rigid meal plan, my mind just overanalyzes it and starts scarfing extra food because of some rebellion trigger, i'm serious. deleting the carefully planned out daily eating tab on the excel spreadsheet is a priority tonight. and i'm going to try something i've never tried before and go back to the ancient philosophy of breakfast lunch dinner. wow that's such a foreign concept to me it's actually borderline amusing. so when it comes to B L D maybe i'll eat what i want when i'm hungry so i don't have "food envy" after a full meal and cave in to the original craving i tried to smother with something else. and i'll work out 5 days a week. not giving myself a specific routine or time, just 5. the magic number. done. simple. it'll take time, like learning a new language, but lucky for me time is the only thing that's predictable in life anymore so i can work with it.

good, done. ah, better too.